The next day, Jacob continued his journey, and eventually ran into a bunch of sheep hanging around a well that had a big rock on it. He noticed some people push the stone off the well, water their sheep, and push the stone back on top of the well. The stone, therefore, was primarily there to keep any drunken sheepherders from urinating in the well, which was a much bigger problem than you might think in those days.

Jacob went up to the men and asked where they were from, and by the way did they know Laban. As it turned out, they not only knew Laban, but also could introduce Jacob to Laban’s hot daughter Rachel, who just then showed up with some sheep.

In order to impress Rachel with his manly manliness, Jacob rolled the stone from the well and watered her sheep (strangely, not a euphemism). Then, he kissed Rachel, told her they were first cousins (which in those days was basically how you asked someone on a date), and she ran off to tell her father.

So it came to pass that Jacob stayed at Laban’s place for a month. He spent most of that time working for Laban, presumably pushing boulders around since that was his one demonstrated skill. At the end of that month, Laban asked how much he owed Jacob for all the work, and Jacob said he would take one of Laban’s daughters. Laban, apparently a much better negotiator than Esau had been, told Jacob he could have one of his daughters for the bargain basement price of 7 years of hard labor.

Now, Laban had two daughters: Leah, whose only good quality was that she was “tender eyed”, whatever the hell that means; and Rachel, who was a mega-hotty. So, Jacob made the obvious choice and chose Rachel.

After the agreed upon 7 years, Laban was in a bit of a bind: Leah wasn’t getting any younger, and he hadn’t managed to marry her off yet. So, he decided to pull a fast one and put her in Jacob’s tent. When Jacob asked for his payment, Laban sent him to the tent. Jacob, not big on wasting time, immediately got busy with whatever female happened to be in his tent. Upon waking and finding the ugly daughter in his bed, Jacob was pissed off and went after Laban. Laban explained that if he gave away his younger daughter before the older one, he was never going to get Leah off his couch, so if Jacob could just take her, that would be great. In return, Laban would let Jacob have Rachel after just one week of hard labor, so long as he agreed to work for seven more years after that.

Leah was, other than her “tender eyes”, apparently a real two-bagger because Jacob agreed to work for seven more years just so he could have someone else to nail.

God, showing he cares for ugly chicks too, took pity on Leah and allowed her to pop out kids like a rabbit while Rachel was barren. Since the only reason anyone cared about their wives in those days was because they could bear children, Leah felt that Jacob would now love her more than Rachel.

So it came to pass that Leah had three sons: Reuben, who went on to make sandwiches for a living; Simeon, who went on to play defensive end in the National Football League; and Levi, who went on to make pants. For an encore, she popped out Judah, and then stopped having kids.