God came to Abram in a vision and attempted to comfort him. Abram, not being a total moron, asked God why he would bother to promise all this great stuff to Abram’s seed, when Abram’s wife was not capable of bearing children, and his only heir up to this point was not actually related to him.

God, displaying a stunning lack of understanding of the human anatomy, promises that the heir to Abram will spring from Abram’s bowels (a new and more literal definition of “dropping the kids off at the pool” perhaps?), and will not be some schmo Abram decided to name because he didn’t have any kids. God furthermore told Abram that he would have countless offspring, who would populate this land the Lord had given him.

God, being an insatiable carnivore, commanded Abram to kill a bunch of helpless animals for a sacrifice. Abram did just that, and then sat around waiting for God to show up, chasing away vultures along the way because God was taking his sweet time getting there.

At this point, God puts Abram to sleep, the better to talk to him without any sassmouth, and tells him his people will end up in bondage for a few hundred years, after which they’ll totally get that land they were promised. Pinky swear.

During the same night, God promised Abram and his seed all the land between the Nile and the Euphrates. And since then, no one has ever disputed that claim, and Abram’s offspring have lived there in perfect harmony. Just kidding.