Don't go around telling people shit happened when shit didn't happen. If some dude asks you to lie for him on the stand at his trial, don't do it.

Don't say shit happened just because everyone else is saying shit happened when you know shit didn't happen, especially if you're a witness in a lawsuit.

Don't say shit happened when you know shit didn't happen just because the guy who says shit happened to him is poor and you feel sorry for him.

If you happen to find any livestock belonging to your worst enemy you have to return it, even if your enemy is your enemy because he stole your girlfriend after you spent three solid days making her the perfect mix tape and you were on your way to deliver it to her when you saw her letting him get to third base in the back of the shitty '76 Pacer he bought from God on deityslist back in sophomore year. Even then, you have to return his livestock. Them's the rules.

If you see that your idiot enemy has overloaded his donkey so much that the animal is struggling under the load almost as much as your enemy was struggling with your bitch ex-girlfriend's bra strap in the back of that damn car, you have to help the poor donkey.

If you're judging a case and a poor person is clearly in the right, don't judge against him just because he's poor. That would be a total dick move.

Don't get involved in lawsuits where the charges are false. Also don't put innocent people to death, even if they stole your girlfriend back in high school. God will not accept "revenge" as a valid excuse for putting someone to death on a false charge. If you really really want the person put to death, there are lots of relatively minor offenses you can accuse him of to accomplish that, as detailed in the last chapter (as well as most of the rest of this book).

Don't accept gifts. Gifts will blind you to the real facts in a case, and will render you suspicious of the person giving them even if that person is innocent.

Don't oppress strangers just because they're strangers. Refer to the whole Egypt thing mentioned earlier for explanation.

Only farm your fields for six out of every seven years. During the seventh year, leave the land alone and let poor people grow crops on it for their own use. Whatever they leave behind can be eaten by wild animals.

Only work six out of every seven days. On the seventh day everyone in your household should rest, including your ox, your ass, your female slave, and that slave your female slave gave birth to that looks suspiciously like you.

Be extra careful to pay attention and do everything I've said. Especially all that stuff about having no other gods. I swear if one of you even so much as mentions the name of Ra or Isis, I swear I will come down there and slap a bitch. Don't even think about it.

There will be three feasts throughout the year: the feast of the unleavened bread, the feast of harvest, and the feast of ingathering. The feast of the seven-day orgy is hereby canceled. I hope that won't be a problem for anyone.

The feast of the unleavened bread is the one I told you earlier to have in celebration of leaving Egypt. The one where you have to eat unleavened bread for seven straight days until the thought of another bite of matzo makes you want to vomit. Also don't forget the sacrifices. Anyone showing up without a sacrifice won't get into the after-party, if you know what I mean.

The feast of the harvest is to celebrate, oddly enough, the first harvest of the year. The feast of ingathering is to celebrate the end of growing season when you don't have to spend all your time out in the fields ordering your slaves around anymore.

Three times a year, all the men and boys have to appear before God. No, I won't tell you why or what they'll be doing. Bring beer. And playing cards.

When you go to offer God some barbecued lamb or goat as a sacrifice, do not give him any leavened bread to go with it. Yeast makes God gassy. Also, don't leave the fat out until morning. It gets really gross and attracts wild animals.

As previously mentioned, the first fruits in your first harvest should be given to God. If God don't eat, nobody eats.

When cooking boiled baby goat, do not boil the goat in its mother's milk. Not only is doing so creepy on a number of different levels, it also makes the goat taste nasty.

I will send an Angel to enforce all these rules. Do not fuck with the Angel. The Angel is even more ill-tempered than me, and doesn't forgive. He will lead you to the place I've prepared, and be an enemy to your enemies. The Angel will lead you into the lands of the Amorites, Hittites, Perizzites, Canaanites, Hivites, Jebusites, and any other -ites you might run into, and I will fuck all those people up.

When you go into the lands of all these other -ites, don't worship their gods or serve them or do anything other than kill them all and break all their shit. Why should you do this, you ask? Fuck those guys, that's why.

Serve me, and I will bless your food and water and help you get over your various illnesses. All your babies will be born healthy, and no one will be barren. Everyone will live to a ripe old age. Basically, everything will be puppies and rainbows forever.

Wherever you go, I will make people afraid and destroy all of your enemies. I will send hornets out to chase away the various -ites I mentioned before, so all you have to do is ruthlessly slaughter the ones who aren't afraid of hornets.

Your lands will stretch from the Red Sea to the sea of the Philistines, and from the desert to the river. Anyone unlucky enough to be already living there will be driven out. You must make sure to kill every last one of them or drive them out, otherwise they might try to tempt you to worship their gods or go against all these rules I've been telling you about, and you don't even want to know what I'll do to you then.