If a man steals a sheep or an ox and then kills or sells it before he's caught, he has to pay the original owner of said sheep or ox thusly: 5 oxen for an ox and 4 sheep for a sheep. If the thief is caught before he gets a chance to sell or kill the animal, he only has to pay back double what he stole.

If you catch a thief breaking into your house at night, it's perfectly legal to beat him to death. If, however, you catch him after sunrise and beat him to death, you'll also be put to death. So, if you catch a thief and decide to beat him up, make sure he dies before sunrise.

If a man sets his livestock out to eat in his fields and the livestock wander off and start eating up another man's field, the owner of the livestock has to pay back whatever his animals ate.

If someone decides to set a fire for some reason, and that fire happens to catch a bunch of nearby thorn bushes on fire, and from there spreads to someone else's crops, the original fire starter has to pay back the owner of the field for the damage. Unless the original fire starter is a young Drew Barrymore, in which case it's probably best not to anger her.

If a man gives his neighbor money or anything else for safekeeping and that stuff later gets stolen, the person who stole it has to pay the owner double. If the thief is never found, the neighbor has to go before the judges, and the judges will decide if the neighbor actually stole the stuff for himself and blamed it on an imaginary thief.

Any time a man accuses another man of stealing something and is not able to catch and beat him to death before sunrise, both men will be brought before the judges. The guilty party, as decided by the judges, will pay the other man double whatever the disputed property is worth.

If a man (hereafter referred to as "Bob") gives one of his animals to another man ("Joe") for safekeeping, and the animal dies, gets injured, or runs off while nobody is looking, Joe should swear to God that he didn't do anything to the animal. Bob is obliged to accept this oath, and cannot seek any restitution. If the animal gets torn to pieces by a wild animal, Joe should gather up whatever pieces are left and show them to Bob as evidence of what happened, at which time Bob can't ask for restitution. So if you find yourself ox-sitting and something bad happens to the ox, your best bet is to throw the carcass to the wolves and collect what's left to show your friend.

If Joe borrows any animal from Bob and that animal is hurt or killed while Bob isn't around, Joe has to pay Bob back for the loss. If, however, Bob is around at the time, Joe doesn't have to pay anything. If Joe rents the animal he likewise doesn't have to pay anything, because the rental fee covers the loss. This is why Bob should always carry ox-owners insurance on any oxen he plans to rent out.

If a man sleeps with a virgin before marriage, he is obligated to pay the girl's father according to the current price for virgins on the New York Virgin Exchange and then marry the girl. If the father refuses to allow the marriage, the man still has to pay for her.

If you find a witch, you must kill her. From this, we can infer that most children chose not to dress as witches for Halloween.

Anyone who sleeps with an animal will be killed, even if the animal came on to them first.

Anyone who makes sacrifices to any god (little "g") other than God (big "G") will not only be killed, but will be "utterly destroyed". So, you know, avoid doing that.

Don't be an asshole to strangers. You should remember how badly the Egyptians treated you when you were a stranger there and not treat others the same way.

Don't be an asshole to widows or orphans. If you do, and they bitch to God about it, God is going to be so pissed off that he's going to come down and kill you with his sword, and then your wife will be a widow and your children will be orphans. God is totally not bluffing about this. He'll show you the sword if you want to see it. It's just down in the basement...give him a few minutes and he'll get back to you.

If you lend money to someone poorer than you, you aren't allowed to charge them any interest. Accordingly, you may want to rethink that idea of setting up a chain of payday loan places.

If the poor person you're lending money to gives you his clothes as collateral, you have to give the clothes back before sunset so he doesn't freeze his ass off during the night.

Do not talk shit about the gods (yes, plural) or the ruler of your people.

All of the first ripe fruits in your harvest should be given to God. Also your liquor. And your firstborn sons. Also, don't speculate on why God would want fruit, booze, and young boys.

God also wants the firstborn of your oxen and sheep. They can stay with their mothers for seven days, but after that you'd better start the barbecue because God is hungry.

If an ox or sheep gets torn apart by wild animals, don't eat the meat. You're supposed to be God's chosen people, and eating torn up ox flesh with leopard slobber all over it is just fucking gross. Throw it to the dogs instead.