Three months after the escape from Egypt, the Israelites came to the wilderness at Sinai and camped before a mountain where God was hanging out. God told Moses to remind the Israelites about all the great stuff he (God) had done for them, and also to tell them that he owned the whole planet, and not just the patch of desert they had been wandering around all this time. God further said that if the Israelites did everything he told them, they would totally be his favorite people, and he would make them into a kingdom of priests and holy men.

Moses climbed back down the mountain and told the Israelites all of this, and they all agreed to do whatever God said. God then told Moses that he was going to put on a show for the Israelites by appearing to everyone in the form of a dark cloud three days hence. God told Moses to tell everyone to take baths, wash their clothes, and sanctify themselves so they wouldn't offend God's sensitive nose and then wait near the base of the mountain on the third day. However, God warned, no one was allowed to actually get too close to the mountain, and trying to climb up it was going to result in some serious smiting. When they heard a trumpet, they should go up to the mountain but not touch it or try to climb it.

So Moses relayed all this to the Israelites and made sure they all got clean and sanctified, and warned everyone not to go trying to have sex with their wives or anything because that would ruin the sanctification (yes, seriously). Soon, everyone was nice and clean and slightly sexually frustrated.

On the third day, the people went out from their camp and walked toward the mountain, which was covered in black smoke and was shaking like crazy because God had descended on it in flames. Either that or he had neglected to properly extinguish his camp fire from the night before. Whatever it was, God was standing on the top of the mountain surrounded by fire. Moses yelled up to him, and he answered with a voice. What he said to Moses is unknown, so we'll just assume he asked for some marshmallows to roast over his gigantic mountain-engulfing fire.

So, Moses went up to the mountain carrying a bag of marshmallows, and God told him to go back down and make sure none of the Israelites were trying to get up the mountain. Moses, whose feet were pretty tired from all that mountain climbing, told God there was no need, since he had already threatened them with imminent death if they tried it. God, not satisfied, told Moses to get off his lazy ass and go do what he was told. So, Moses went down and told the people to stay put and don't try any funny climbing-up-the-mountain while he was up making s'mores with God.