Exodus 15

Moses and the other Israelites got together and sang a song about how great God was, to celebrate the wholesale slaughter of Egyptians they had just witnessed. One can assume the original song rhymed in ancient Hebrew, but it doesn't rhyme in 17th century English. We can only assume this means 17th century English monks were lazy bastards, as is the author of this work. Anyway, the song went something like this:

The Lord is my strength and my song, having recently overtaken Lady GaGa on my top ten song list. Also, he saved my ass, and I'm going to build him a house and worship him there at my earliest convenience.

The Lord is a man of war, and he drowned a whole bunch of Egyptians, including Pharaoh. They sank to the bottom of the Red Sea, and are now fish food. Oh Lord, your right hand has become gloriously powerful, and not just from excessive masturbation. You have used this marvelously strong right hand to tear your enemies to pieces.

Lord, you have totally fucked up those who tried to fuck with you. You have consumed your enemies like the new Gillette Fusion® consumes pesky stubble (this segment brought to you by Gillette: When your beard has grown to biblical proportions, try Gillette's line of premium shaving products.)

Oh Lord, you blew a great gust of wind, with hardly any boogers, out of your nostrils and caused the sea to rise so we could walk past. The enemy said he was going to destroy us utterly, but then you turned your head and blew the water right back into them, and they sank like the Titanic (too soon?).

Who among all the other gods (and there are several!) is as awesome as you, oh Lord, in terms of holiness, ability to be feared, or miracle production? No one, that's who. You saved us, and are guiding us to the promised land.

We will tell everyone who currently lives on the land you told us we could have about the nastiness you inflicted on the Egyptians. Then, the people of Palestina, Edom, Moab, and Canaan will be so afraid of your wrath that they'll soil themselves and be utterly frozen in fear. Then, we will sweep over them while they stand there blubbering and crying.

Then, you will go and live in the mountains around the promised land forever, close enough to hang out with occasionally but not so close that we feel obligated to invite you over every time we have a barbecue. We'll go and thank you once in a while for the whole Egyptian-drowning episode described earlier.

During this song, Aaron's sister Miriam went out and started dancing around beating on a drum. The other women in the Israelite settlement followed her, dancing around with various percussion instruments.

After three days of walking and dancing around, the people began to notice they hadn't found water in kind of a long time, and they were all thirsty. They came to a place with water, but the water was contaminated and they could not drink it. They called the place Marah, which translates to "place where camels shit in the water."

So the Israelites began to complain that they had nothing to drink, and Moses passed the complaints on to God. God then showed Moses a particular tree, and told him to throw the tree into the water. Moses did so, and the water suddenly became good to drink. Thus was God's commitment to keeping the Israelites alive demonstrated.

God then took this opportunity to preach a little, telling Moses that, so long as the Israelites listened and did what he said, he wouldn't fuck them up like he had the Egyptians.

Eventually, they came to Elim, which had a bunch of palm trees and wells and, one assumes, a non-lethal level of camel crap in the water. The Israelites, knowing a good spot when they saw it, set up their tents and camped there for the night.