God, deciding that it was time for the big climax, told Moses that he would be smiting the Egyptians with one last plague, which he affectionately referred to as "the mother of all plagues".

This one, God said, would finally satisfy his desire to fuck with the Egyptians, and he would stop hardening Pharaoh’s heart, thus allowing Pharaoh to be convinced to let Moses’ people go. So, the Israelites needed to prepare for the trip. By that, God meant the Israelites should all go to their closest Egyptian friends and "borrow" some gold and silver. This way, when Pharaoh finally kicked the Israelites out, they would be in possession of a bunch of precious metals that they could not, through no fault of their own, return.

Since Moses wasn't allowed to talk to Pharaoh anymore, God started passing out leaflets to Pharaoh's servants telling them what a great guy Moses was. After the Egyptian servants were suitably convinced that Moses was a pretty cool guy, he went to tell Pharaoh God’s plan: Sometime around midnight, depending on whether or not the Saints game went into overtime, God would kill the firstborn child of every living creature in Egypt, except the Israelites and their livestock. This meant that not only would Pharaoh's firstborn die, but also his servants' firstborn, his dogs' firstborn, and presumably the firstborn offspring of the many millions of bacteria living in his armpit, who, for the record, never did anything to anyone.

After every living creature woke up to find its firstborn dead, there would be a huge cacophony of weeping and wailing and carrying on, Moses said, except for in the Israelite neighborhoods, since nothing was going to die there. God’s theory was that this would finally convince the Egyptian servants, who were already inviting Moses to their potluck suppers every Saturday by this point, to bow down before him, and throw the Israelites out of Egypt whether Pharaoh liked it or not. Having warned Pharaoh that his servants would throw the Israelites out regardless of how hard his heart was, so it would be best if Pharaoh just went ahead and let them go now, Moses turned around and left the palace in a huff.

While Moses was storming off, cursing under his breath, God stopped him and let him know that despite his little tirade, Pharaoh still wouldn’t let his people go, because God still wasn’t done fucking with him yet. So, once again Pharaoh’s heart was hardened by God, and the Israelites had to stay where they were.